What are boundaries?
Apr 04, 2025
Do you have a difficult time sticking up for yourself? Do you find yourself giving in to pushy people? Do you “overlook” or try to ignore comments that are hurtful?
In a world where we are taught to “be nice” as early as infancy, often times our own personal boundaries end up taking a back seat. An accomplished author and past supervisor of mine, Beverly Engel, once made an important distinction for me – be KIND not NICE. In her book Nice Girl Syndrome, she goes more in-depth with that thought, however, for our purposes it is important to note that you can be kind without giving away part of yourself.
PsychCentral does a brilliant job of breaking down boundaries into bitesize categories:
"Personal boundaries are simply the lines we draw for ourselves in terms of our level of comfort around others.
These boundaries may have to do with:
- physical contact (not feeling comfortable hugging a person you’ve just met)
- verbal interactions (not wanting a friend or family member to speak down to you)
- our own personal space (choosing to not have others in your home when you aren’t there)
These boundaries typically fall into a few specific categories:
- emotional (protecting our own emotional well-being)
- physical (protecting our physical space)
- sexual (protecting our needs and safety sexually)
- workplace (protecting our ability to do our work without interference or drama)
- material (protecting our personal belongings)
- time (protecting the use, and misuse, of our time) "
Learning to acknowledge, set and communicate your own personal boundaries is a healthy practice that is vital in establishing healthy relationships with others, as well as, maintaining a sense of self. Boundaries are how we distinguish our own thoughts, feelings and ideas from others. When “being nice” continually takes precedence over your own boundaries you begin to experience sensations of feeling unimportant or in some cases invisible.
This practice of making personal boundaries known can be difficult, especially in individuals like myself, who have a tendency to want to make everyone happy. However, it is important to remember that you will never make EVERYONE happy, and if you regularly ignore your own limits and boundaries both your mental and emotional health suffer.
As an example, I have had a difficult time telling people my own feelings when I feel it may contradict the feelings of someone I care about. However, not only did that portray that I do not trust that individual enough to believe they can take care of their own uncomfortable feelings, but I also began to resent the time spent with them because I was unhappy. This is unfair to both you and them. As I become more self-aware and more invested in my own happiness, I am beginning to learn that conflict is ok in relationships and I do not always have to go along with something just because someone else would like me to. Healthy relationships can tolerate the conflict and will become stronger as a result. If the relationship cannot tolerate (safe) conflict, then I would ask yourself if the the relationship is healthy.
Next week: How to identify and set healthy boundaries
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