Taming Tantrums Part 2: What do I do? I feel as overwhelmed and helpless as they are!

Three things to remember:

1. Name the feeling

2. Stay calm

3. Negotiations are pointless

Naming the Feeling

• As the person your child looks up to for knowledge and guidance it is important that you help them identify what is going on - give them the words:

“You are very angry right now! I can see that it is important for you to let me know that you are angry!”

“Your screaming shows me that you are angry, when you cry it also shows me that you might be sad or scared too!”

“It must be very frustrating that I cannot give you what you want right now.”

Stay Calm

This is HARD! Feelings are overwhelming for children; if you are overwhelmed by their feelings as well, to a child, that is terrifying! Children look to you in order to figure out how they should react, if you don’t know what to do or if you are frustrated, then to a child it is incredibly dysregulating. The belief that “grown-ups” know everything is what fosters a sense of security and safety in childhood. When speaking to a child during a tantrum always keep your voice low and unthreatening.

Easier said then done!

If you feel yourself starting to lose your patience, it is time for a TIME-OUT! When you feel your emotions begin to get the better of you - it is time to call time-out, a mommy time-out! Tantrums ARE overwhelming and frustrating, for parents too! – if you feel this way it is OK!! The key is to train yourself to catch the feeling before it erupts.

Learn to recognize when your frustration level is getting too high and make your child aware of how you are feeling and what you need:

“ It is important to me that I am here for you, but I am starting to get frustrated and upset. I need to take a time-out, but I will come back and be with you once I have calmed down.”

This models to your child the appropriate response for “BIG” feelings. It also shows them that these feelings are ok and normal. By verbalizing your needs to your child in this way, you are not shaming or blaming them for your feelings or their feelings. This also creates boundaries and some separation between you and your child, allowing both individuals to feel taken care of.

And Finally,

Negotiations are pointless!

Recalling that, during a tantrum, your child's frontal lobe is "offline". Which means, they are physically unable to listen to any sense of reason, which can cause the parent frustration levels to rise rapidly! Be aware of your own feelings and have compassion for your own anger, allowing yourself to take a time out if needed.

At the end of the day, tantrums are going to happen, but the best thing you can do for both you and your child is to be prepared ahead of time and keep in mind that children DON'T come with a manual, you are doing they best you can and tomorrow is another day!

• If this post was helpful for you, check back for Tantrums Part 3: Identifying the Emotional Needs Being Expressed

References:

Demos, J.N. MA, LCMHC, BCIA-EEG. (2005). Getting Started with Neurofeedback. New York, NY: W.W. Norton & Company.