Identifying and Setting Boundaries

I recognize that initially setting personal boundaries can, not only be scary, but it can be overwhelming as well. Especially if you tend to be the “people pleaser”. First and foremost it is important to remember that people pleasing is a symptom of a good heart, therefore it is difficult for you to disappoint people because you want to do good. You are not wrong for having personal boundaries, you are not selfish and people will not decide they no longer want to be around you (if this is the case then that is an unhealthy relationship and one I will talk about in the next blog). You can still be “good” and “kind” while maintaining boundaries. Just because you are taking care of your own needs does NOT mean you are making others worse in turn.

How to Identify Your Boundaries

If you have a long history of ignoring your boundaries or not even acknowledging you even have them, then learning to identify when one needs to be set can be really difficult. The best way I know how is using the scariest emotion for people pleasers - anger. Anger tends to be an emotion that most people pleasers have not been allowed or allowed themselves to feel or express. This is especially true if "anger" in your household growing up equated to physical, emotional or verbal abuse. Here is a secret: Anger does not have to be, and frankly should not be, loud, threatening, scary or hurtful. You can have anger and not be out of control, you can have anger and not slam doors or punch things or scream or harm anyone. The sole purpose of anger is simply to let us know a boundary is crossed - thats it. Ideally, identifying when the feeling is as mild as "annoyed" or "frustrated," before it even gets the opportunity to become anger, is a time to start questioning what boundary is being crossed. But if anger arises in you, there is nothing to fear, it just means a big boundary is being crossed for you or there is a boundary that may be small but has been ignored for so long that it is now big. So next time you feel annoyed/frustrated/salty/angry/irate etc. it is time to ask your self "what boundary is being crossed right now?"

Setting Boundaries

Once you have identified your boundary that has been crossed, it is time to look at how to set the boundary with yourself or with the person involved in crossing it. Sometimes, that person is actually us. For instance, if you know you are more of an introvert, but you plan social outings for every day of the week, you will likely be crossing your own boundary by ignoring your need for alone time and it might be worth starting to pay attention to what your ideal social time to alone time ratio is and set a rule or boundary for yourself. If the boundary is being crossed by another person it is important to remember that each individual has different boundaries, so what may be ok for you may not be ok for someone else. Which is why, it is important to communicate your boundaries, no one should be expected to mind read because - we can't :-) As a result, most of the time a boundary can be as simple as saying, "Hey I go to bed at 11:00 so please don't text me after 10 because I like to wind down a bit".

Cheryl Richardson on Oprah.com does an extraordinary job of giving tips and examples of what setting boundaries looks like: 

"Start setting simple but firm boundaries with a graceful or neutral tone. This will feel uncomfortable at first, but as you take care of yourself, the personal power you gain will make it easier.

Be sure to have support in place before and after each conversation. If you can’t find support from a friend or family member, you may be successful finding a friend online.

Vent any strong emotions with your partner before having your boundary conversation.

Use simple, direct language.

To set a boundary with an angry person:
“You may not yell at me. If you continue, I’ll have to leave the room.”

To set a boundary with personal phone calls at work:
“I’ve decided to take all personal calls in the evening in order to get my work done. I will need to call you later.”

To say no to extra commitments:
“Although this organization is important to me, I need to decline your request for volunteer help in order to honor my family’s needs.”

To set a boundary with someone who is critical:
“It’s not okay with me that you comment on my weight. I’d like to ask you to stop.”

To buy yourself time when making tough decisions:
“I’ll have to sleep on it, I have a policy of not making decisions right away.”

To back out of a commitment:
“I know I agreed to head up our fundraising efforts, but after reviewing my schedule, I now realize that I won’t be able to give it my best attention. I’d like to help find a replacement by the end of next week.

When setting boundaries, there is no need to defend, debate, or over-explain your feelings. Be firm, gracious and direct. When faced with resistance, repeat your statement or request.

Back up your boundary with action. Stay strong. If you give in, you invite people to ignore your needs"

And for parents, the best time to learn how to set boundaries is as a child. So, as you get better at it, be sure to be aware of your child's boundaries and be the support they need to learn how set them for themselves. A wonderful tool for this is the "Boundary Song", it is worth learning yourself and teaching to your child!